August 24, 2005

Amoxil, Dogs, Thongs and Googletestad

Is the Human Condition, as of the past 48 hours, at long last laid bare in the latest Wordtracker keywords? Its a daunting thought.

Provided the majority of us are fundamentally dishonest1, animal-loving2, teenage3, sex-starved4, internet-challenged5, lovesick6, games-playing7, seriously infected8, SEO-driven9, celebrity-besotted10, hair-conscious Afro-Caribbean11, disturbed12 parents-to-be13 rocking14 to the radio 15 as we drive16 to a beach holiday17, perhaps for One Night in Paris18, then Wordtracker leaves the likes of Kant and Sartre standing.

Speaking personally, almost the only words I knew about for sure were those classified below as ‘internet-challenged’ - those once hilarious, now rather sad searches still made thousands of time a day for google.com or www.yahoo.com.

Also, I suppose I recognised most of the ‘dirty’ searches, far as they are from being anything of the sort. Hopefully, this is an expurgated list, otherwise the renowned porno tendencies of the web come out looking decidedly limp when ‘nudist’, breasts’, ‘skinny dipping’, ‘panties’ and ‘hot chicks’ are the filthiest things anyone can think of lusting after. Rather like the unclean musings of a dodgy Victorian clergyman, they would be sweet if they weren’t so twee.

The most interesting terms were, as always, the weirdest (and provided the initial reason for starting what has turned out to be this massive and personally debilitating exploration of lowest common denominators drizzled liberally with intricate mark-up!)

Possible explanations for the constantly high ranking of Googletestad as a search keyword have turned into a virtual SEO sub-industry of their own. Despite several heroic research projects. no-one has yet unearthed either any meaning for the term, nor cause for its endless popularity. Its like a ghost of the internet, everywhere but nowhere. What it has become, thanks to Wordtracker and its ilk, is the keyword for anyone looking for, or lacking, a keyword of their own. Build a webpage around googletestad, and the SEO punters will come flocking, hungry for ‘improving’ software.

Amoxil is (to me) a complete mystery, well ahead of such hyper-optimised terms as ‘Britney’ or ‘thongs’; is it something to do with (shhhh) sexually-transmitted disease? If not, why is it up there, when Viagra, let alone Osama Bin Laden, George W Bush or Iraq, are absolutely nowhere? (Answers to Sir Ian Blair on a postcard please - he needs them - or comment below for forwarding)

Being a limey (and having lumbered myself with a mass of useless research into some crappy American rock bands and even crappier American actresses as a consequence in taking on this exhausting piece) there were occasional nuggets of knowledge to be unearthed in attempting to quantify this Wordtracker list in terms of its net contribution to universal knowledge, albeit not many. (I should perhaps mention in mitigation that I used the latest Wordtracker email update of the top 300 keyword surges from the last 48 hours, rather than the paltry 30 surges posted on their website).

For instance, I did like ‘child gps’ riding high at # 37, which led to this fascinating scenario on the Larta site:

In the future, we won’t lose anything. Advances in global positioning system technology allow users to easily pinpoint the location of any object on earth. GPS boards have been reduced to the size of a postage stamp. Soon, we could attach GPS locators to everything we own - cell phones, briefcases, wallets - and even our children. GPS products are being developed for child safety and parental supervision, personal protection, Alzheimer and memory loss supervision, law enforcement, animal identification, property tracking, and a host of other applications.

Also, I seriously dug oakley sunglasses at # 191; as a must-have fashion accessory their ‘wearable electronics’ (cool shades with built-in mp3 players or mobile phones) beat over-priced and under-functional products like Burberry iPod cases any 48 hours.

If not unquestionably the answer to where we come from and where we’re going (although it could be), this Wordtracker snapshot of the current zeitgeist is at least ultimately reassuring: there will be no shortage of babies in the foreseeable future, Pamela Anderson endures despite everything, and it certainly looks like the Sedu company has hit a winning niche in the multi-cultural hair processing market.

As for Paris Hilton, what can anyone say? She will, whatever, always provide the best possible excuse for staying at the Crillon.


Footnotes

The numbers (#1, #2 etc) in each footnote are the ranking of their accompanying word/phrase in the Wordertracker top 300 Surge report of 24-8-05:

1 # 1 - games cheat, #2 - playstation game cheats
2 #5 dogs, #103 zoo cams, #142 puppies, #255 dogs for sale, #256 wicked weasel, #276 neopets
3 #2 playstation game cheats , #25 - britney spears,#33 my chemical romance, #36 green day, #42 teen, #45 breasts, #52 gameboy advance cheats, #66 tattoos, #73 myspace, #84 obituaries, #94 college girls
4 #4 paris hilton, #10 pamela anderson, #16 girls, #26 nudist, #31 pam anderson, #35 vagina, #45 breasts, #61 hot, #67 babes, #79 asian, #87 panties, #108 gay (.. and so on, down to… #138 skinny dipping, #169 swingers, #277 ls magazine, #280 taylor rain
5 #6 yahoo, #7 ebay, #8 google, #21 mapquest, #24 yahoo.com, #43 search engines, #50 ebay.com, #55 hotmail.com, #58 hotmail, #83 google.com, #95 amazon.com, #104 a, #130 myspace.com, #146 www.yahoo.com, #192 www.ebay.com, #260 1
6 #11 - poetry, #70 wedding vows, #200 love, #287 wife, #296 love poems
7 #1 (as above), #2 (as above), #23 play games, #29 games, #34 game cheats for ps2, #52 gameboy advance cheats, #276 neopets
8 #14 amoxil
9 #17 googletestad, #57 google dance
10 #4 paris hilton, #9 jessica simpson, #10 pamela anderson, #12 jenna jameson, #15 carmen electra, #19 hilary duff, #25 britney spears, #30 jessica alba, #31 pam anderson, #41 jennifer lopez, #44 angelina jolie,#68 eminem, #71 jude law ….. #253 nikki nova, #268 bart simpson, #271 eva mendes
11 #22 sedu hair styles, #145 sedu flat iron, #161 sedu hair straightener, #222 sedu hair straighteners, #290 sedu beauty products.
12 #285 disturbed, #297 c, #295 x, #286 weird al, #262 wwe, #260 l, #245 best man speech, #220 disney, #214 pussycat dolls, #202 big, #187 bow wow, #170 horses, #153 slipknot, #149 a14a, #104 a
13 #3 top 100 baby names, #18 names and their meanings, #37 child gps, #70 wedding vows, #78 family guy, #116 meaning of names, #244 breast, #266 baby names, #298 recipes
14 #33 my chemical romance, #36 green day, #41 jennifer lopez, #46 music lyrics, #60 system of a down, #68 eminem, #72 christina aguilera, #82 50 cent, #97 beyonce ….. #275 metallica, #289 madonna, #294 ludacris
15 #13 free radio stations, #28 radio stations
16 #39 dodge charger, #53 kelly blue book, #81 maps, #96 cars,#168 traffic cameras, #175 used cars, #177 driving directions
17 #26 nudist, #27 california, #32 thongs, #38 bikini, #40 thong, #61 hot, #100 weather, #138 skinny dipping, #169 swingers,#186 flower tattoos, #189 wet, #190 nudists, #191 oakley sunglasses, #193 beach, #300 hot chicks
18 #4 paris hilton (undisputed queen of the keywords)

Posted by Iain Stewart at 1:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
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June 4, 2005

Google Sitemaps and Movable Type

Niall Kennedy shows how amazingly easy it is to make a Google sitemap for your Movable Type blog.

Niall’s sitemap template and his clear instructions demonstrate the massive advantages of having a site run under a content system like Movable Type when it comes to outputting any new XML or HTML formats. To do this in an unmanaged yet content-rich site could prove daunting, putting it mildly. With the potential Google Sitemaps have to tell the Google spider every page you want it to index, and when it should come and re-index new or updated content, you can bet any SEO experts and addicts worth their salt will get their own and clients’ sites sitemapped-up no matter how tedious the process. But the cool 30 second answer provided by Niall must surely further enhance Movable Type’s allure as a site-wide management platform in the commercial web space, way out ‘beyond the blog’. After all, when Push comes to Pull, better shove than get pulled any time, en’t it?

Posted by Iain Stewart at 4:02 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
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April 3, 2005

Google Alert: Oriental Rugs

I’ve been using the free Google Alert email service for some time now, tracking any references to my name, to ‘brokenenglish’ or ‘Oriental rugs’ that pop up on the web, as and when they pop.

As certain things will, the daily Google Alert emails have become both a simple pleasure and a crucial aspect of my online life, keeping me effortlessly up-to-date on new sites and whatnot connected with my work, my ego and my blog, while simultaneously bolstering my fragile sense of identity - and mapping its encroaching theft.

In the embryonic, Ur-0f-the-Chaldees, Piltdown phase of web civilisation, frequent searches via the then supreme Yahoo were all that was needed to show that the only other Iain Stewart of any consequence or cyber-visibility was an MA (Oxon.) and PhD (London) Professor of Computer Science who had been astute enough (i.e. was lucky enough) to corner the market in ‘Iain Stewart’ SERP listings from the outset, by means of his pioneering blog-like record of personal intellectual growth and mounting public esteem definitively entitled Iain Stewart’s Home Page. By the simple expedient of such a text-dense algorithm of HTML purity - which any rightfully embittered SEO consultant can tell you will always succeed where other far more brilliant, devious, inspired, costly or otherwise desperate ploys will just as invariably fail - this vaunting and cocksure uber-doktor of academe could always be found intractably straddling the heady summit of any ‘Iain Stewart’ search exploit you cared to undertake, where indeed it has ensured he could and would be found always and for ever after, (may his bookwormed flesh melt in the toxic fire of his torched publications, when the time comes as it must when he is called to account before the cosmic committee for the realignment of unfair Google rankings, may the Lords of Teoma be praised) .

But as the First Epoch of the Web reached its cataclysmic nemesis in the wimpers of the dot-com big bang, and we segued into the CSS-cooled pastures of Epoch 2, our old human ways rapidly gave way to whatever advances in machine intelligence or smart functionality we could lay our hands on for nothing, as the exponential nature of the beast kicked in more and more. So it was around this exhausted time I signed up with Google Alert, as the only way to keep tabs on the other Iain Stewarts now appearing on the block, flotsam and jetsam deposited from roaring information tsunami, their fingers in every available pie, who began to join up with me and the Professor.

All of which merely leads into the setting up of a trial Trackback with Google Alert in order that new sites and references to - why not? - Oriental rugs (ever ready as a test case for anything vaguely shady) can henceforth be seamlessly brought into the kaleidoscopic brokenenglish landscape, as and where they arise.

So here we go.

Posted by Iain Stewart at 5:51 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
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