August 24, 2005

Amoxil, Dogs, Thongs and Googletestad

Is the Human Condition, as of the past 48 hours, at long last laid bare in the latest Wordtracker keywords? Its a daunting thought.

Provided the majority of us are fundamentally dishonest1, animal-loving2, teenage3, sex-starved4, internet-challenged5, lovesick6, games-playing7, seriously infected8, SEO-driven9, celebrity-besotted10, hair-conscious Afro-Caribbean11, disturbed12 parents-to-be13 rocking14 to the radio 15 as we drive16 to a beach holiday17, perhaps for One Night in Paris18, then Wordtracker leaves the likes of Kant and Sartre standing.

Speaking personally, almost the only words I knew about for sure were those classified below as ‘internet-challenged’ - those once hilarious, now rather sad searches still made thousands of time a day for google.com or www.yahoo.com.

Also, I suppose I recognised most of the ‘dirty’ searches, far as they are from being anything of the sort. Hopefully, this is an expurgated list, otherwise the renowned porno tendencies of the web come out looking decidedly limp when ‘nudist’, breasts’, ‘skinny dipping’, ‘panties’ and ‘hot chicks’ are the filthiest things anyone can think of lusting after. Rather like the unclean musings of a dodgy Victorian clergyman, they would be sweet if they weren’t so twee.

The most interesting terms were, as always, the weirdest (and provided the initial reason for starting what has turned out to be this massive and personally debilitating exploration of lowest common denominators drizzled liberally with intricate mark-up!)

Possible explanations for the constantly high ranking of Googletestad as a search keyword have turned into a virtual SEO sub-industry of their own. Despite several heroic research projects. no-one has yet unearthed either any meaning for the term, nor cause for its endless popularity. Its like a ghost of the internet, everywhere but nowhere. What it has become, thanks to Wordtracker and its ilk, is the keyword for anyone looking for, or lacking, a keyword of their own. Build a webpage around googletestad, and the SEO punters will come flocking, hungry for ‘improving’ software.

Amoxil is (to me) a complete mystery, well ahead of such hyper-optimised terms as ‘Britney’ or ‘thongs’; is it something to do with (shhhh) sexually-transmitted disease? If not, why is it up there, when Viagra, let alone Osama Bin Laden, George W Bush or Iraq, are absolutely nowhere? (Answers to Sir Ian Blair on a postcard please - he needs them - or comment below for forwarding)

Being a limey (and having lumbered myself with a mass of useless research into some crappy American rock bands and even crappier American actresses as a consequence in taking on this exhausting piece) there were occasional nuggets of knowledge to be unearthed in attempting to quantify this Wordtracker list in terms of its net contribution to universal knowledge, albeit not many. (I should perhaps mention in mitigation that I used the latest Wordtracker email update of the top 300 keyword surges from the last 48 hours, rather than the paltry 30 surges posted on their website).

For instance, I did like ‘child gps’ riding high at # 37, which led to this fascinating scenario on the Larta site:

In the future, we won’t lose anything. Advances in global positioning system technology allow users to easily pinpoint the location of any object on earth. GPS boards have been reduced to the size of a postage stamp. Soon, we could attach GPS locators to everything we own - cell phones, briefcases, wallets - and even our children. GPS products are being developed for child safety and parental supervision, personal protection, Alzheimer and memory loss supervision, law enforcement, animal identification, property tracking, and a host of other applications.

Also, I seriously dug oakley sunglasses at # 191; as a must-have fashion accessory their ‘wearable electronics’ (cool shades with built-in mp3 players or mobile phones) beat over-priced and under-functional products like Burberry iPod cases any 48 hours.

If not unquestionably the answer to where we come from and where we’re going (although it could be), this Wordtracker snapshot of the current zeitgeist is at least ultimately reassuring: there will be no shortage of babies in the foreseeable future, Pamela Anderson endures despite everything, and it certainly looks like the Sedu company has hit a winning niche in the multi-cultural hair processing market.

As for Paris Hilton, what can anyone say? She will, whatever, always provide the best possible excuse for staying at the Crillon.


Footnotes

The numbers (#1, #2 etc) in each footnote are the ranking of their accompanying word/phrase in the Wordertracker top 300 Surge report of 24-8-05:

1 # 1 - games cheat, #2 - playstation game cheats
2 #5 dogs, #103 zoo cams, #142 puppies, #255 dogs for sale, #256 wicked weasel, #276 neopets
3 #2 playstation game cheats , #25 - britney spears,#33 my chemical romance, #36 green day, #42 teen, #45 breasts, #52 gameboy advance cheats, #66 tattoos, #73 myspace, #84 obituaries, #94 college girls
4 #4 paris hilton, #10 pamela anderson, #16 girls, #26 nudist, #31 pam anderson, #35 vagina, #45 breasts, #61 hot, #67 babes, #79 asian, #87 panties, #108 gay (.. and so on, down to… #138 skinny dipping, #169 swingers, #277 ls magazine, #280 taylor rain
5 #6 yahoo, #7 ebay, #8 google, #21 mapquest, #24 yahoo.com, #43 search engines, #50 ebay.com, #55 hotmail.com, #58 hotmail, #83 google.com, #95 amazon.com, #104 a, #130 myspace.com, #146 www.yahoo.com, #192 www.ebay.com, #260 1
6 #11 - poetry, #70 wedding vows, #200 love, #287 wife, #296 love poems
7 #1 (as above), #2 (as above), #23 play games, #29 games, #34 game cheats for ps2, #52 gameboy advance cheats, #276 neopets
8 #14 amoxil
9 #17 googletestad, #57 google dance
10 #4 paris hilton, #9 jessica simpson, #10 pamela anderson, #12 jenna jameson, #15 carmen electra, #19 hilary duff, #25 britney spears, #30 jessica alba, #31 pam anderson, #41 jennifer lopez, #44 angelina jolie,#68 eminem, #71 jude law ….. #253 nikki nova, #268 bart simpson, #271 eva mendes
11 #22 sedu hair styles, #145 sedu flat iron, #161 sedu hair straightener, #222 sedu hair straighteners, #290 sedu beauty products.
12 #285 disturbed, #297 c, #295 x, #286 weird al, #262 wwe, #260 l, #245 best man speech, #220 disney, #214 pussycat dolls, #202 big, #187 bow wow, #170 horses, #153 slipknot, #149 a14a, #104 a
13 #3 top 100 baby names, #18 names and their meanings, #37 child gps, #70 wedding vows, #78 family guy, #116 meaning of names, #244 breast, #266 baby names, #298 recipes
14 #33 my chemical romance, #36 green day, #41 jennifer lopez, #46 music lyrics, #60 system of a down, #68 eminem, #72 christina aguilera, #82 50 cent, #97 beyonce ….. #275 metallica, #289 madonna, #294 ludacris
15 #13 free radio stations, #28 radio stations
16 #39 dodge charger, #53 kelly blue book, #81 maps, #96 cars,#168 traffic cameras, #175 used cars, #177 driving directions
17 #26 nudist, #27 california, #32 thongs, #38 bikini, #40 thong, #61 hot, #100 weather, #138 skinny dipping, #169 swingers,#186 flower tattoos, #189 wet, #190 nudists, #191 oakley sunglasses, #193 beach, #300 hot chicks
18 #4 paris hilton (undisputed queen of the keywords)

Posted by Iain Stewart at 1:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
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July 24, 2005

Chavs Innit

Bits of the real England from the great Chavworld site:

jus ritin to let yall peeps no dat beein a chav ain’t all dat bad! i meen wen i walk down da street all da rudeboyz n widegirlz move 2 lemme froo, if day try n step up, ill just nok em spark out, innit!

Listen all you chav’s out there. Leighton Buzzard is the Chav capital of this world sittin on the famous market cross swigging 20/20 and wife beaters innit! we r all wearing burberry clothes from bovey market LOVE IT A !

Yes i’m a chav, but it seems that people make out that we’re stupid and illiterate when actually not all of us are. We do pick fights alot but only with people who deserve it, say if someone was staring at us for no reason (i can’t stand being stared at) we would say something like ‘what you lookin’ at?’ and if they started mouthing off then they would get a beating but if they left it at that then we would leave it.

I think chavs are great, coz i is one init! Theres nuffin wrong wiv burberry & S.I Novas are pure class. When i’m cruisin round the precinct all the other birds are well jealous cos they fink my choons are well bangin. My Lee rekons i am the fittest bird in school & none of the older girls can down Smifnoff ice like i can. I can drink 10 bottles & im only 15!

i is from wisbech an it fukin chav centraaaal!! Chavs rule! u is all sayin dat we is fick and all dis but we smash yo head in innit!

Chav jokes:

What do you call a Chav in a box?
Innit.
What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.
What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.
What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
Innuinnit.
What’s the first question at a Chav quiz night?
“What you lookin’ at?”

All ya peepz in2 dis chav stuf checkout chav forumz, mint innit?

Posted by Iain Stewart at 2:21 PM | Comments (23) | TrackBack
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January 11, 2005

Downwardly Mobile

A study too late by the colourfully-named National Radiological Protection Board warns that children should have restricted access to mobile phones on health grounds, and parents should not give them to kids aged eight or less.

A bit late in the day to tell us, isn’t it?

One of my innumerable namesakes, Professor Sir William Stewart, big cheese at the NRPB spelt it out thusly:

If there are risks - and we think there may be risks - then the people who are going to be most affected are children, and the younger the child… (the better? no…)..the greater the danger.”

The Guardian hints at possible difficulties in implementing these guidelines by way of latest research that indicates around a quarter of primary school children are thought to own a mobile, this rising to 90% among 11- to 16-year-olds.

And they don’t just own them, the kids, they mangle them with unrelenting and passionate use. My standard favourite eight-year-old, Tamara, will happily mash her way through a £10 voucher in under an hour, largely through friendship-seeking calls to the emergency services, operators the length and breadth of the nation, and whoever happens to be sitting nearest to her with a working mobile of their own. She rather undermines the well-meaning (i.e. anxiety-tormented) initial acquisition motive cited by many parents that a mobile allows them to keep track of their little un’s movements, by sensibly switching her Nokia off the minute her credit’s used up ‘to save the battery’ in readiness for the next cash donation to her swipe card.

Get this:

Worldwide spending by young people on mobile phone-related products and services is worth $1.1 trillion. In the UK our kids spend $5.4bn a year on mobile technology.

Who’s going to back-peddle on a target market like that? Possibly not Communic8, makers of the MyMo - Baby’s First Cellphone, which is aimed directly at the UK market. (It now appears Communic8 has put the project on hold, following publication of the report in question).

And how many sweet little things in that target market are going to adopt the prudence of the careful gentleman I heard on my favourite radio station Five Live this morning who always terminated mobile phone conversations the moment their radioactivity level made the side of his face ‘uncomfortably hot’?

One thing you don’t see the under-eights doing, thank God, is whatever it is those sad souls on the underground are up to, bent with intense concentration over their shiny but dead mobiles, pushing buttons to nowhere or just gazing raptly - what are they doing? (A gmail or orkut invitation for the best answering comment - please state your reward preference).

Whatever it is, it looks a far more serious, and a definitely more prevalent, condition than the benign ear tumours of Compulsive Mobile Phone Abuse Disorder Syndrome (CMPADS) - current disease of choice of the well-eqipped 21st Century child.

Posted by Iain Stewart at 8:43 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
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December 4, 2004

The Dirt on the Hoe

Inspired into action by a hot tip on the BBC’s brilliant gardening pages, I replaced my usual lazy ‘Spray’n’Slay’ anti-weed strategies by mounting a direct physical assault on the most malignent weed-insurgents - dandelions, bindweed, those small London trees that appear overnight and have grown thirty feet by the next time you go outside, deadly brambles, nettles, rampant clover..i.e. the pits - that were seeking asylum in my beautiful long and narrow Deptford garden from the evil regime of the Weed Conservatory nurtured by my Irish next door neighbours, armed only with a good old-fasioned hoe I bought down Deptford Market for £2.

After I had been slashing and slicing into the adamantine roots of these most ruthless of garden terrorists for half an hour or so, my young friend Tamara, aged 8, came wandering out of the house with her hands in the pockets of her pink dungarees after losing interest in The Terminator or Last Tango in Paris or whatever it was she’d been watching, and came out to watch me sweating away in righteous zeal instead.

After a while, she asked “What’s that thing you’re using?” pointing at the hoe.

“Its a hoe” I said.

“That’s such a dirty word” she said, “I can’t believe you said it.”

Rap/Jamaica have a lot to answer for.

Posted by Iain Stewart at 5:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
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